To my lesbian and trans patients, I apologize for the concentration on the male partner, but there is much that needs to be said about them in the context of a relationship. I hope there is still some information in here that you may still find useful, irrespective of gender and orientation.
In all my sexual studying and research to date, as well as serious issues I hear from a large percentage of my patients, I find a common theme about male partners which I think is important to address. The truisms for the majority of the male species I have learned are this:
1. Penis. Penis. Penis. It is EVERYTHING to them.
2. Foreplay means touching the penis.
3. Sex means penis in the vagina.
4. Penis size matters a lot to them and their buddies.
5. Their ego strength is tied to their penis performance.
6. They avoid sex, blame it on their partner, and refuse to seek help if they have a function problem (. . . like stopping to ask directions.)
7. They are sure they have no problems and won’t discuss options.
8. Depression, anxiety, work-aholism, high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, heart disease, alcohol and medications contribute to dysfunction.
1. There are many treatable causes of erectile and ejaculatory dysfunction.
2. There are fun exercises and that can expand the idea of pleasure and ecstasy.
3. It requires an open mind and a sense of adventure to try to improve the situation.
4. Couples’ Sexual Counseling is VERY helpful in enhancing ANY couple’s love life.
So often I hear these words, “My husband wants you to check my hormones and find out why I don’t want sex.” But the more important question is why does she not want to have sex with HIM, in particular at this time. What has HE done for HER lately?
HOW does he communicate his desires? Is he nice to her? Treat her with respect? Consider when she is tired, bored, overwhelmed? Give her back rubs, foot rubs, cuddling, kissing and much attention to her in general? Appreciate all she does for him and the family? Is he a good lover? Does he understand that the vagina is NOT the organ of pleasure? It is the clitoris that needs the most attention! Does he spend much time arousing her interest and desire? Is he a gentleman and let her orgasm first, and maybe many times?
Ladies, share this information with your male partner(s) to start the discussion of the problem the COUPLE is having with interpersonal communication, expressions of love, and making time for intimacy and pleasure that does NOT always include vaginal penetration. There is SO much FUN to be had, if he is willing to get over his ego and expand his sensual repertoire.